Just Typing Away…

I often wonder whether there is really one true religion. Do we all worship the same God regardless of what religion we belong to? Maybe the different religions out there are just the many different ways that God chooses to reach out to people and that one religion isn’t necessarily greater than the other… just different. If there is only one true religion, then what happens to someone who, let’s say, is born in a really remote area where that person grows up, lives and dies without knowing about that one true religion? Then does that mean that person is condemned? If so, how is that fair?

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Do you ever wonder if there is really life elsewhere in the Universe? My mom thinks there’s probably some other life form out there. By life form, she doesn’t necessarily mean another human being but that it’s a “living thing” like a living particle or amoeba or what have you. Is it possible? Maybe. I just think that God wouldn’t have created such a big Universe for nothing. Maybe there are living things out there or maybe not. It’s just so darn big to just be space and rock and dust. Although maybe, God gave us such a big Universe so we have lots to explore and learn about. Much like a kid in the playground. The bigger, more active kids will want a bigger, wider playground instead of just a tiny little playpen.

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Isn’t it so bizarre when you try to imagine what it means to have no beginning and no end? Well, no end is much easier to imagine because you just sorta think of forever… but no beginning?! I find it so difficult to fully comprehend exactly what no beginning means. Ya, sure I know what no beginning means but when you really, really think about it, isn’t it so…so…difficult to imagine? Maybe I’m just being weird and over-analyzing things.

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Yeah, so I can’t really sleep and now I’m posting nonsense…

Rambling

Every morning when I am struggling to get our of bed and get ready for work, I tell myself that after work, I am going straight home to eat dinner and then go to bed really early. That way, I get plenty of sleep and feel refreshed the following day.

Yeah… that NEVER happens. I always end up staying late everytime and then kicking myself in the butt the following morning… it’s a horrible cycle. I am always so groggy in the mornings and I always feel tired.

I realize I complain about work a lot. More so lately since I’ve been feeling increasingly stressed and worn out. I wake up thinking about work, I go to work and stress about it all day, I write about work, I talk to everyone about work and at the end of the day when I’m about to go to bed, I am still thinking about it! People always tell me I care too much and that I should learn to just relax and let things slip once in a while. How the hell do I do that?! Is there a class on how not to care too much about your job like “Screw –It-I’m-Here-For-The-Money-And-That’s-It 101” that everyone else seemed to have attended? If there was one and I missed it, I would like to know where the hell I was because I sure needed it!

There’s a popular saying that goes, “Before you enter the house, make sure you leave your work at the door..” I used to think this was easy to do but now… well… I’m not so sure. It’s darn hard to not think about it especially since most of our time revolves around our jobs. It’s something we like to take pride in doing well and it’s what allows us to buy the things we need. Of course it is only rational that I’d care.

Sometimes I think to myself whether I still like what I’m doing or if it’s becoming detrimental to me. As much as I like most aspects of my job, I can’t help but feel like I ought to be doing something else. Sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on some career opportunity. Then there are times when I think that maybe I’m in the wrong field altogether… and that’s when I start freaking out a bit. It’s really bizarre sometimes.

I think that maybe it’s just a matter of growing… maybe with time, I’ll eventually learn to ease up a bit when it comes to my professional life.

Poem on the Train.

I saw this poem on the train and I liked it so much that I took out a pen and paper and jotted it down and I thought I’d share it with you. It is good to remember that we are the product of God’s loving hands and that only through Him do we become fruitful.

Your anvil is the Earth, and with your right arm
You span the arc of Heaven like the sun.
Eight decades on this scaffolding – a lifetime -
I sought a sign of you, but there was none.

Under my chisel marble fell to stonedust,
But only torsos, idols would be born.
I found you not, elusive, radiant sunburnst,
Who glowed there pulsing under every stone.

I have myself become an ancient stone block,
Split by vines, a still, curmudgeonly old rock,
But in my sould the old flame yet burns on.

How can I shed this flesh that holds me prisoner?
Strike me, if you can love a hoary sinner,
Divine Sculptor, my God, I am the stone.

Michaelangelo’s Last Prayer

- George Faludy

Passing the year.

I can’t believe the year is almost up!

This is my fourth holiday season in Canada and I still find it weird that there are no fireworks outside and how quiet everything is compared to the Philippines. Every new year’s eve I strain to hear even the faintest sound of fireworks and I’m always met with silence.

It’s a habit of mine.. every new year’s eve, we’d be at Quezon City spending it with family and relatives and I’d wait anxiously for midnight. In the meantime, the whole family would go to mass together, have dinner, listen to music and just talk and laugh and play games in the living room. I always looked forward to it because aside from Christmas, it was the one time of the year where I got to see and spend time with all my relatives. It’s always fun and noisy and sometimes a little crazy.

Here in Canada, we try to stick to tradition as much as we can… going to mass on new year’s eve, having an early dinner and preparing for media noche and all that… but I still find it very quiet. No phones ringing off the hook, no neighbors talking outside and no sound of fireworks in the distance. It’s just really, really quiet.

I just spoke to my lola in Quezon City and in the background I could hear my aunts and uncles talking and how excited they were to hear from us. It feels so good to know that there are people on the other side of the world who think of us and who miss us and who love us very much even though we are very far from each other. There’s nothing like Filipino family ties and Filipino friendships.

I read or hear about friends who came home for the holiday season and I can’t help but feel a but envious… It would have been really nice to be able to come home to the Phils. even just for the holidays. I would have loved to see everyone.

Blessings

Today while lying in bed, I thought about how blessed I am to have such a great, loving family and how blessed I am to have really wonderful friends who I know I can count on no matter what.

My dad’s right, we may not have a lot of money, we may not have a big house or a nice car and we may not be able to afford nice things all the time but we have each other and to us, it is everything. I think about how we don’t get to choose the families we are born into and I look at mine and I appreciate it all the more. I know I am lucky because not everyone gets to go home to a family like mine. I am lucky because I get a big hug from my brother almost everynight before I go to bed and I love yelling “Goodnight!” right before I enter my room and hearing 4 different voices greet me back even when they are busy. I love that when things are tough and when I’m upset or discouraged or anxious, that I have a family that listens and doesn’t mind staying up late just so I can rant and get everything out of my chest.

Not only do I have a great family, but I am also blessed with such amazing friends who I may not see all the time and who I am not able to talk to as much as I want but everytime I need them, they are always there. Just the other day I was really upset about something and my first instinct was to go online and a very close friend happened to be online at the same time. I just started talking and venting and he was so patient eventhough it was midnight his time and he was probably tired and sleepy already. What touched me the most was the fact that he made sure I was ok before signing off. They’re not great friends because they always agree with me and they’re not great just because they’re pretty or funny or smart… they’re great because they really listen and not feel the need to always give advice or solve my problems, they’re patient even when I am being unreasonable, they don’t judge me even when I make mistakes and they tell me when I am wrong. I respect them because I know I can trust them to tell me when I’m being an idiot or being inconsiderate. I like that when I confide in them, I don’t need to remind them to keep it to themselves.

There are different ways to measure success in our lives… and each person’s idea of happiness and fulfillment varies. But to me, it will always be the people in my life that make all the difference. They will always be what matters most to me.

Proud.

Today I had another one of those moments where I realized my baby brother, Miguel, is really no longer a baby and that he is well into his teenage years.

I was trying to look for his email address so I could give it to my aunt. I thought I had it in my messenger contacts but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I remembered him adding me as a contact on his MSN live space so I figured I’d just access his page and I’ll find his email there. So with just a few mouse clicks I was on his page. I expected it to be a simple online page with, oh I don’t know, maybe an avatar or picture of some sort and maybe his email and messenger ID or something… but never in my life did I expect to see his blog!

I was really impressed! Although there were only 2 or 3 posts in it (mostly talking about his favorite animes and shows and his opinions on them), I thought it was still quite impressive. No grammar mistakes, no spelling errors and in full English too (oh ok, we speak English at home anyways so we’re all used to it) but I was just so proud! (and here I thought I was the only writer in the family…haha)

I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like seeing your sibling in a different light. Like seeing a side of him I never knew existed. I always knew he was smart (both my brothers are anyways) but seeing something concrete… proof of how smart and talented and witty they are is always such a pleasure. I get this warm fuzzy feeling of nothing but pure love and pride and fascination. It’s like, “look at my cute little brother and what he did and how good he is! Look, look, look!”

I can’t get over it! Just reading how he expresses himself and putting his thoughts into words and all that just makes me go… wow. I guess it’s more impressive to me because in my eyes he’ll always be my baby brother and every step he makes (no matter how small it may be) will always be big in my eyes.

Yep, it’s final

When a man decides to leave, it does not necessarily mean that it’s a permanent arrangement. Often, men return or attempt a comeback. But when a woman decides to separate, it is usually with finality.

Loved this line from one of Jim Paredes’ posts…

As soon as I came across this line, I found myself smiling and nodding in agreement. I always tell my male friends the same thing… and I also find that it is true for me. I’m the type that stays in a relationship for as long as I could until I can’t anymore for different reasons. I’ve had people ask me why I decided to stick it out with my past relationships and almost always I answer with, “I wanted to make sure I gave it a good try..” At least that way I can look back at it and have no regrets. I can tell myself I’ve done what I can, I gave it my best shot and it just won’t work. I don’t want to be one of those people that ask themselves constantly what could have been if they had chosen to stay a little longer or had they given it another try.

I also find that most men, and by saying “most” by no means am I saying all men are the same, but yes, most men tend to realize only too late that they took for granted what they had. Women, on the other hand, will most likely stick it out, give it a good try (this might involve tons of girl talks, tears and several ups and downs) and although it make take awhile for a woman to say enough is enough, when she does get to that point, it’s usually final. Women give this a lot of thought first before coming to a conclusion and most of the time, we weight the good and the bad and if the bad outweight the good and if we’re not happy anymore, then it’s probably best that we go.

I not an expert on relationships and what makes them work or fail. I, myself, am still learning new things everyday and sometimes what I think I already know, I end up questioning at some point. But whether a relationship works or not, we always take something out of it.

Christmas.

First off, a very blessed holiday season to everyone!

I celebrated Christmas at home with my family and Steve and although it was quite simple, it was still very enjoyable. I still can’t get over the fact that it went by all too quickly and soon it will be another year.

The weather has also been nice lately. Still cold but it could be worse. Plus, no snow storms! (I have yet to post pictures from the previous snow storm here but I just keep forgetting to upload them!)

I’m glad that my family loved my gifts and it really feels good to give them something they liked. To be honest, I don’t buy them much so when I do, I make sure it’s something they’ll like at least.

I still can’t help but miss Christmas back home in the Philippines. I can’t quite describe the feeling but it’s just different. I miss the cool December mornings and warm afternoons, the kids charoling, the Christmas lights everywhere, Christmas songs on the radio, the hustle and bustle of everyone preparing for the big day and the Christmas trees in almost every house.

For some odd reason, I even miss the “Message cannot be sent” message on my cellphone on Christmas eve when trying to send text messages to friends and family because the network is jammed up with everyone trying to send greetings at the same time. You don’t ever get that here in Canada unless you’re outside your network or the network is down.

One day, I hope to be able to come home for Christmas. But in the meantime, I will make the most of my Christmases here.

Friends…Time… Distances

It’s amazing how much of an impact one person can have on you.

I think I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people (although Steve seems to think otherwise). Sure, I drop by a friend’s page every now and then to leave a message but I’m not particularly good at sending long emails on a regular basis. I don’t know why that is. Don’t get me wrong, I love my close friends so very much but I just can’t seem to develop the habit of constant communication.

It’s not to say that I don’t miss them because the truth is, I do miss them… a LOT. And I do wonder about how they are doing, where they are and what they’re doing. There isn’t a day that I don’t want to see them or hear from them.

Looking back at when I first met them, I had no idea back then how close we’d become and how important they would be to me. But through the years, I’ve grown to love them as if they were my own brothers and sisters.

Being in Canada makes it challenging to keep in touch as I’m not always in the most convenient time zone to call or chat (unless someone stays up ridiculously late at night). It also doesn’t help that some of us constantly travel so it’s a little hard to keep track of where people are at any one time. It’s obviously something we just have to learn to deal with and hopefully still be able to maintain close friendships despite the circumstances.

Of course I worry that there will come a time when we’ll be too caught up with the on-goings of our own lives that we might forget to keep in touch or that we’ll grow tired of each other and find new and interesting people to be friends with and share things with. People change and that’s a fact. As we grow older, we lose some friends and make all new ones. But even though I know that and that certain things are just beyond my control, I will still be sad if and when that happens.

Expenses.

Ever notice how fast your pay cheque slips through your hands? Sometimes it suprises me to find out how much of mine has disappeared in such a short amount of time that I immediately begin to think that:

a) someone has finally found a way to hack into my bank account and take my money.
b) my bank is secretly charging me fees that I don’t know about.
c) I am being overcharged by one of my automatic debit bills.

Because I have no idea where my money went and the sum of my expenses (which I would tally in my head) don’t add up right, I would end up checking my account for the last 10 transactions I’ve made.

For some reason, it rarely occurs to me that it must be the shopping I’ve been doing (which is funny because it almost always seems to be the cause).

And I always forget that I have items that automatically get debited off my account every month so that’s always out the window. When you think about it, it’s really the little things you spend money on that kill you in the end.

Lately, I have been looking at how much money I make and my expenses and I realized I should be able to save so much more than I am saving now. I just REALLY need to stop spending and learn to save more.

Some discipline is what I need.